jhnnysilverhand:

man i was gonna make a post a while back saying how i think its funny johnny’s big plan to distract arasaka was just to play a show at their door but now i can’t stop thinking about the way the situation turned violent and how he blamed himself for it and how it plays into him telling the woman at arasaka after the bombing that he “didn’t want [her husband] to die” in the blast. like the ways he just doesn’t allow himself to think about consequences until they happen and the guilt that must eat at him because of it afterward? i’ve ruminated on the way guilt effects him too, partially wrt alt where his vendetta (spurred by underlying guilt that it might have been his fault) blinded him to the chaos he would enact on thousands and thousands of people, which led him to be an engram, which brought him to v, someone he is actively yet inadvertently killing in what he believes to be the worst death a person can experience. (nobody could have foreseen that as a consequence but his actions still actively led him there). like he didn’t get to really feel the devastation he caused at arasaka, and he didn’t live long enough afterward to process it. but now he’s in v’s head while they’re slowly dying, he’s as close to his consequences as he could ever be on every comprehensible level and he can’t do Anything about it. it’s no wonder he completely self destructs the first moment he’s corporeal during chippin in, and he’s left alone with his own thoughts in a body that isn’t his. and afterwards in the oil fields he seems to WANT v to tell him he fucked up (its the only way to raise his %). like he needs the externalization of all those feelings, something to hold him accountable for his mistake(s) but also offer him the hope that it isn’t too late to mend the things that he’s broken. and so he tries! and he commits himself to being better for them! maybe if he can just save one person, even after everything, this one person…maybe then it will be okay.

05·03·21 81n rblg
johnny silverhand
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    Speaking of Chippin’ In, I bet he felt that guilt even as he WAS drinking himself into a stupor. Speaking as someone who...
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